It has been so long since I have felt the pain this viscerally. This intense hit. Grief is an odd thing… it becomes your normal. It is always there, it envelops everything… it blankets your entire world and reforms everything you see, and you get used to that darkness. You get so incredibly used to that darkness that you can’t remember what it feels like to feel calm anymore, let alone happy. I literally can’t remember.
And today… it hits. That kind of howling, overpowering, gut wrenching grief… the kind that only allows itself to be heard occasionally, because your body knows no human being can possibly hold that much pain for any amount of time… so your body shields you from it… it closes the blinders and turns off the lights. Only then you become trapped inside your own safety. Your body has become so good at protecting itself that your coping mechanisms become fire pits. Your blood has learnt the reaction and learnt the hazards, it is keeping you safe it is keeping you safe it is keeping you safe.
Until it hits.
And you cry. You cry for everything you have ever lost, for every atom, for every second of love that can’t contain itself anymore, for everything he lost and the life that he deserved to live, for the unfairness of it all, for this unforgiving world, for his life, for his love.